


Reflections

by rayrod67



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:36:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9405875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rayrod67/pseuds/rayrod67
Summary: Just a bit on Aaron in his jail cell. What might have been going on in his head. Sad Aaron. After 1/19/2016 episode.





	

Aaron sat on the bed in the cold cell heart hammering against his rib cage.

  
_What did you do?_

 

The voice in his head yelling at him. The voice that sounds so like Robert's.

 

_Why did you?_

 

Both good questions what did he do? Why did he do it? It couldn't just be anger and pain at Robert for their fight and end of their relationship. There must be more? Right?

 

Aaron looks down at his hands blue eyes glazed over with shock. His knuckles bloody and raw from his attack on Kasim. Laying his hand over the injury he presses down hard on the bloody flesh. The stinging pain courses through his veins giving him comfort and balance that no words could.

 

_This has to end. I can't live like this._

 

Aaron thinks even as he sighs with relief as the pain washes away all numbness.

 

This is wrong Aaron knows that. He knows that what he is feeling is not right.

 

_Right_

 

Is right even the word for it. Because everyone feels things differently. There isn't one perfect or uniformed reaction that each person must follow. Different levels of emotions are felt by each individual. Yes they can all agree what Aaron did was wrong and horrible. Finn may look at it with angry eyes and hatred. While Robert or his Mum will see it as horrible they might also see past it or through it. They may look upon it as a loud blatant call for help.

 

Aaron's emotions all run to the extreme. All come out in a burst of power and force. Leveling all things and people around him. Leaving Aaron feeling ashamed and guilty.

 

_Ah.....guilt. Hello my old friend. You are never far from me these days._

 

Aaron knows he's different. Through no fault of his own, he is wired differently. Its how he was made by circumstance and life. His abandonment by his mother and his fathers need to control him through sexual assault molded him. He was always unsure of where he stood or what was expected of him. The only constant in his life was his anger. It both shielded him from pain while offering him protection from being rejected by those he loved.

 

_Rejection another old friend._

 

To a young Aaron love was not freely given. It was forced submission or hard earned. It wasn't until Paddy who showed him that kindness and love didn't have to have a price tag on them. Or that happiness was something to fear. Because he was happy with Paddy. For a little while life had been perfect. Than Jackson happened and coming out. Life took a dark turn but eventually got better. Only for the pattern to keep repeating.

 

Happy.....devastation before finding happiness again.

Life with Robert and Liv was the happiest that Aaron has ever felt. So Aaron had been waiting for it all to come crashing down.

 

And it did. By Aaron's jealousy and fists.

 

_They both deserve better than you._

 

“Yes they do.” Aaron pulled the blanket from the bed and covered himself with it. He needed to feel the warmth his body was going ice cold. His fears were starting to take over chilling his blood.

 

_He would lose Robert._

 

_He would lose his Mum and Liv._

 

_He would lose his freedom_.

 

_He would lose himself._

 

He had straddled the edge for so long that he has finally taken the last step over. It has been a long time coming, it was inevitable. Things had been piling up ever since his affair with Robert ended then the return of his worst nightmare. Gordon.

 

His reaction to Finn's situations was the culmination of all his fears he had bottled up.

 

When the attack happened Aaron felt outside of himself. He knew it was his hands hurting Kasim and his anger fueling the attack. But it was as if he was a witness to it and not a part of it.

  
This.....this scared Aaron most of all.

 

Aaron pressed down harder on his hand focusing on the pain. He would set Robert free. This was Robert's chance to leave him behind. Who would blame him? This is what Aaron deserved. To pay for his sins. All of them past and present.

 

Aaron grabbed onto the blanket and rolled onto his side. The bed here wasn't too bad. He could get used to this.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
